The other day I learned of a family member passing away. It took a minute for it to truly hit me but I was more concerned about other members of my family and sadness overwhelmed me. As I was scrolling on Facebook, I came across a picture of him, smiling and looking happy. Maybe he was at that moment, who knows. I couldn’t help but think of my brother who also passed away and ironically, always looked happy. Except he wasn’t and I didn’t know. For the rest of the night, I couldn’t escape the tears that fell down my cheeks. I try not to cry in front of the girls but this was out of my control. In their attempt to make me happy, they put on a show as they sang and danced to the song they created on the spot. I cried even more. I’m sure they were confused but the baby said, “We’re going to keep putting on shows to keep her happy.” Y'all know I was a sobbing mess by now. I cried because I was sad. I cried because I was angry. I cried because I was happy.
All of these different emotions from seeing one picture. I never thought I would be losing people that I loved in such saddening ways. I mean, death is a part of life, but this wasn’t supposed to be a part of my life. Not like this. I think about my brother every day and while I will forever grieve his loss, I am pissed off. I feel like I never discuss the anger I felt and still feel knowing he made the choice he did. He left me. He left us and has no clue of the pain we will feel for the rest of our lives. I am pissed that he called me the day before he decided to take his life and acted as if everything was okay and that we would see each other soon. He was saying goodbye and I didn’t even know it. Why didn’t he tell me? Why didn’t he talk to me? Why didn’t I know?
His death and the death of my most recent family member reminds me that life is too short to be unhappy. No one can truly make you happy but you. I don’t exactly know how it feels to feel so broken that there is absolutely nothing worth living for. I do know how it feels to have a plan for my life and feel disappointed that it’s not going that way and want to just give up. I have been in a dark place and I have gotten myself out of it. I have been anxious and I have learned how to calm down. I am still learning how to find my happiness but I am challenging you all to work on the things in your life that you are unhappy with because it’s not always easy coming out of that dark place. My kids are my motivation. When I look at them I want to continue fighting and reclaim my happiness while achieving all of my goals. Sometimes the ones you love are just enough to keep you going, sometimes it’s not. Be the change you want to see in your life. It starts within and it starts with YOU! Don’t give up. I know it’s hard but you got this!