I’ve been having some serious writer’s block lately and for a minute I couldn’t figure out why.Then I realized that I am just tired. Not your regular I’m tired because I didn’t get a good sleep last night. I’m talking about as a mother I have a bajillion things to do on a regular basis, too many thoughts to count, not enough hours in my day and certainly not enough time to just be ME….the woman that I am. I love my kids more than anything in this world but DAMN!! They are EXHAUSTING!! There is so much to balance and quite frankly I am TIRED. I’ve learned to listen to the signs that my body is giving off so that I can be a more conscious mama and it does make a difference but I can’t help but feel overwhelmed.
I think becoming a mother has made me question my ability to make sound decisions! Lol. Hear me out….who knowingly signs up to be overworked, unappreciated and exhausted all in the name of love? Mothers...that’s who! You don’t know exactly how hard it is until your little one starts to grow up and develop their sense of identity. Like I didn’t know that teaching my girls to be true to who they are with their own thoughts and opinions would lead to battles over what they want to wear, eat and the courage to question authority (ME...the nerve!!) As parents, we want to make sure that we are instilling positive qualities and preparing them for life outside of us but who really knows what’s the best way or “right” way because all of our children are different.
I wasn’t prepared for what I would learn about myself through the eyes of my children and everyday I try to make sure they see a positive role model who isn’t afraid to make mistakes because that’s how we grow. I’ve learned that conversations around my imperfections help my children see that we will continue to learn and grow throughout our lives. I’m tired as hell but wow my heart is full! I guess that’s why we choose to become mothers and that although it is by far the hardest job in the world it is my favorite. Maybe I’m just crazy but I couldn’t imagine a more fulfilling role. When I look at my babies and see their growth and amazing personalities, I am reminded of why I chose to be a mother. When I look at my own growth, I am reminded why God chose me to be their mother. As I embark on this journey to become the best version of myself possible, I’ve been reflecting on my childhood and experiences that have molded me into the mother I am today and I realize that those experiences were more impactful than I ever imagined but I am grateful nonetheless.
My birth mother and father split up when I was little and my brothers and I lived with my mother in North Carolina. Due to certain life choices, my mother was unable to be the mother that my siblings and I needed her to be and my grandmother took on the responsibility of raising us. I don’t remember too much about my mother but I knew my grandmother was always there. When I was about six years old, my dad and his girlfriend at the time (now wife) came to pick us up for the summer but soon realized we needed them more than they thought. We never returned back to North Carolina to live and boy did my life change! I had a mother….a mother who loved me unconditionally and did not birth me but chose to be my mother. I never fully understood a mother’s love until I had my own children but it has only made me even more grateful for the amazing mother in my life. She taught me what love was and even when I struggled to follow directions, be kind and not roll my eyes, she loved me right through it. She didn’t do arts and crafts with me but she was there and she was present in every aspect of my life. She taught me that being present in child’s life makes a world of difference. I am reminded of that everyday when my children demand that I choose between playing legos or video games! When my life gets complicated, my children remind me to slow down and remember the little things like just being together and creating new memories.
What motivates you to be the mother that you are and/or want to become?!